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If his sermon is a few minutes too long, 'He sends us to sleep'
If it's short, 'He hasn't bothered much'
If he raises his voice, 'He's shouting'
If he speaks normal, 'You can't make out a thing'
If he's away, 'He's always going somewhere'
If he stays at home, 'He's a stick in the mud'
If he's out visiting, 'He's never at home'
If he's in the vicarage, 'He's not visiting his parishioners'
If he talks finance, 'He's too fond of money'
If he doesn't, 'Nobody knows what he's up to'
If he organises a bazaar, 'He wears everybody out'
If he doesn't, 'The parish is dead'
If he takes time with people, 'He goes on and on'
If he is brief, 'He doesn't listen'
If he redecorates the church, 'He spends too much'
If he doesn't, 'He's letting everything go'
If he is young, 'He lacks experience'
If he is old, 'He ought to retire'
And if he dies? ...
Well, of course, 'Nobody could ever take his place!'
St Mary's Esigodini, Zimbabwe
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